Pagtatapos (05162014)

Presentation day is today and everybody is feeling a little nervous because we don’t know how they will react to our recommendations. The presentation started a little late but it wentpretty smoothly. The representative from the Provincial Administrator’s office was there to give feedback on our presentation and she was quite defensive saying that everything was working well before Yolanda hit. I kind of got the idea that she thinks all of our observations and innovations were useless. So it made me doubt what we did, and whether it was significant at all.

We can do no great things, only small things with great love. This was the last line to the presentation we just gave. It actually is meant to target the collective but I thought of it as an individual. I do not need to change the world alone but I must do what I can with much love and dedication. If everybody thought like this, more people would lobby for changes and things will actually happen. This presentation was our part, now it is in their hands to implement the change.

After the day was done, Lib made us relive the whole journey we've had so far in Leyte and I did as he directed. I pictured everywhere we've been to and everything we've seen and as I was doing this, I wasn't feeling anything. I was just think about Tuesday particularly when I deliberately set out to be a researcher and be chummy-chummy with the people to get the information that I will need. I just thought about how I consciously used ate Lorna for her knowledge and how I was just feigning genuine interest in her life. I was appalled at how easily I could turn off my emotions. She trusted me. She told me her life story and I smiled, nodded, and prodded some more. I didn't feel a connection nor did I want to feel a connection. Then it dawned on me that throughout this experience, I haven't really allowed myself to be genuine. I haven't opened up and tried deliberately to separate myself from the experience. Then I thought about my family and how it was so hard for me to be emotionally invested in them too. I thought about how I don't really have compassion or empathy. Then lib told us to imagine just talking to Jesus. I was entering into a dark room, kind of like an audition room, and I didn't see anybody. I was asking around for Jesus because lib told me to talk to him. And then someone was behind me and he said he was Jesus. I didn't look at him, in a way, I couldn't look at him. I've just come to realize just how much of a heartless bitch I really am and I felt ashamed. The song was playing "you don't need to change yourself, I already love you" and I kept thinking and saying out loud how can you love me? I'm heartless. I was thinking about how people are supposed to feel God's love through others and I just can't imagine who could feel God's love through me. I kept thinking about the mean things I say to everybody and how could anybody feel love from that. I was already holding back tears by then because there were so many people around and I didn't want them to see. In fact, I left the table when someone sat too close to me and moved to the bathroom because I felt that I can't hold it back much longer and I was so scared to let anybody see. I was thinking about how I kept saying before that I am secure with God because he will always love me and it took a little time convincing myself just now that it was true. God loves me, he didn't ask if he could because he already does and I shouldn't either. I shouldn't question why loves me and how could he love me. And now I'm thinking, I want to experience that great love too. I want to be able to love someone so fully, in their naked truth, that that person will be able to forget all their flaws because my love envelops them and it is so much greater than any of their flaws or mistakes. I guess what I really want to try to take home from all of this is that I am loved, but I have to prove that I am worth loving by trying to be like Jesus, trying to love like Jesus. Okay so I'm done ugly crying in the bathroom now....

Tigmani: Di ako nag-iisa (05152014)

Today we went on a tour of the most hard-hit areas during the typhoon. We first went to see a mass grave in Tanaoan and the tour guide was telling us that 5000 people were buried in that mass grave and not all of them were identified. Whole families were wiped out and nobody was left to grieve for them. It is so difficult to imagine that we do not even remember these people. They're just all "victims of Yolanda." That's not how someone, or anyone wants to be remembered by at all. 

The tour guide told us that they just always try to get back on their feet because as long as you are alove, you have a chance. Although, for the people who were left behind, the still always carry the weight with you. Even though there are debriefings, the traumatic experience never really goes away. It gets heavier and heavier to bear because I don't know these people and now nobody will ever know these people. I try to wish they had a good life but that's not really a consolation is it? Sometimes I wonder, maybe the dead are just better off post-disaster because at least they found rest. The people they left behind are scarred for life and are carrying dead weight forever.

Then I got to thinking about why the people in Leyte are called waray when in their dialect, waray means nothing. I thought maybe the reason why the people are called waray in general is because there is no individual person. They do not identify that way. They identify as a collective, hence there is no Waray person, there is only a Waray people. I kind of like that idea because that may be the reason why the were so strong amidst all this adversity. They knew they were not alone, and that everybody shares in their sentiments. Maybe this was also beneficial in how they can stand up faster. 
 

The tour was over and now we needed to work on our presentations for the governor the following day. We were working hard on the presentation for the provincial government, and there were so many voices, opinions, and ideas that it becomes confusing. People are talking over each other; we can’t seem to agree on things. Also add to that the other people who don't take it as seriously as I do.

After we finally worked out the presentation, we did a rough dry run of the ideas. People were imposing about their feedback, and it becomes hard to take criticism because of that. Sometimes they're right and accepting that is hard, especially when the comment was condescending.

But then you have to think about what we are working on. This is real. This could be the start of a big change. We are doing something big that students our ages do not usually get to experience. We are provided an opportunity to be change agents, especially in this place where they are standing up and they need a little help to stand up better than before. It is scary and exciting but more of exciting because this could be the world we will enter and I'm feeling more sure now that I want to do this. People are cracking in the stress while I a thriving in it and it sort of justifies to me that maybe the stress is worth it, knowing that I'm just me and I can do this. I can actually push for change by doing research and presenting it to someone who may be able to do something about it. But then, I need more than just me. This is so much greater than anything I've ever done before, and I need the collaborative effort of everybody for this. This just solidified the idea that I cannot, should not, and will not make a change on my own. 

Wrapping Up (05142014)

So last night we decided on the building block we think we should focus on and just go back to the RHU to ask some final questions that would help us with our innovation. We met with the MHO for this then when we were done, she treated us to lunch. Again, this was someone who just met us yet she showed us so much kindness. I kind of felt ashamed because I've been biased to Super Lorna since I was able to spen two days with her and now for her to treat me like the politics never mattered was a fresh experience, especially since their system is so riddled with these politicking.

I wish we can do something so that she is not so helpess. She feels so powerless that it is saddening. The profession she has loved her whole life is now something she wants to escape from. This makes me think about whether I really want to be a doctor enough that I would spend rigorous time studying. Is this a profession I will feel satisfied in? I know that it is enjoyable but it really makes me think about why I want to be here.

Do i want to help others? Yes. Do  i feel like a messiah and will be able to change the world? Yes, but I'm an idealistic teenager.... so I really have the right to feel invincible because this is the time that we are aware enough of what goes on yet we are not affected enough to have learned helplessness. Do I want in because of the pay? Yes. The prestige? Yes.

I want so hard to be selfless but the fact that I want to be helpful for the sake of being helpful is selfish. Am I capable of being selfless in the sense that I will serve others for the rest of my life? And I think, yes. I actually want to do this. I want to fight the injustce in the health sector. I firmly believe that everybody deserves a right to health. Health really does encompass all things and it is essential in character as well as capability building of a person and this in effect reaches the national level. Now I am one step closer to realizing why I am going intot he health sector. I guess it is good that I do this thinking process one step at a time so that I do not get overwhelmed by everything that is going on in the world. There are so many problems, so many challenges that I want to fix and then I remember what Doc said about saying "I can." I know I can fix the problems of the world, just not right now, and not all at once. I'm in my training ground and I hope I never lose this drive to stop injustice. Jesus said to be child-like but I think he missed out when he didn't say be teen-like as well. I happen to love very much that I am an idealistic teenager that feels invincible. It makes me believe the world has hope for new beginnings.

Plunge 2.0 (05132014)

Today the information gathering was easier because it was structured. We had questions in our minds already and that helped us target the people we can get the most information out of. We met first with Ate Nimfa who was a midwife in one of the more damaged areas in Palo. We talked to her about the processes and workings of the RHU before the typhoon struck them. Then we helped out Super Lorna in packing up her stuff from the office and then I asked her to have lunch with us. We treated her to lunch and then once we finished eating, we bombarded her with all the questions we could think of. She was after all indispensible, so she really was the source of all the information we needed. But then that made me think of my I just got friendly with her in the first place.

I did it for personal gains only, not really to know the community more. I needed data. As a group, we were talking about how we just used her to get the data we needed. Why do i feel okay with using her, then bash her in the meetings? We got a taste of really how deep politics is running and we were also politicking because we didn't eat lunch as a group but instead ate in different places so that doc and lorna would spill the beans. We tried really hard to detatch ourselves from the system but we just got sucked in.

During our processing at night, Ma'am Dudj told us to share the highlights of the day and we started talking about how this system is so bad and how we are trying to escape it but we are already part of it. Then they talked about  rethinking whether this is really where they want to go with their futures. Via and I had a conflict because the way I saw it, she was quitting. She wanted to give up because it was hard and the people were tough, and she didn't want to be part of a system that proliferates injustice. For me, we have always been part of the system and even though passively, we are still contributing to the injustice it proliferates. I thought we are in a really advantageous stand point because we have been studying this and for this. We are given this opportunity to be the change agents where we are needed.

I remember in our last DS lecture class with Anna Mae, we had a guest lecturer who was a public health practitioner. At that time, I was really contemplating what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to go into public health because I really enjoy doing the change interventions, planning for it, and studying it, but I also want to be a clinician. I want to see patients and treat illnesss. So I asked her if there was a way that I can be both at the same time. She answered no but that doesn't mean I can't make time for each. The question was shifted from "What do I want more?" to "Where am I most needed?" I said, public health but then I also said, I needed to have the clinical experience first in order to know the system better and actually lobby for changes that I know will be needed. But then isn't that just me saying I still can't decide? Isn't that just tryng to get both sides of the same coin? Being here in Leyte made me think about what how much I believed in the cause of public health. I wanted to change the system. I'm not complety sure until now but at least I'm leaning towards something.

Getting Ready for the Plunge (05122014)

So today was our first plunge into the health system. I felt kinda jittery last night because I didn't really know what I was looking for, well I mean I had an idea of what we were looking for, I just didn't know how to do it. We even met as a group last night, trying to strategize on how we were to approach the task but we ended up deciding to just go with it when we get there. When we got there, we were shown around by Ate Lorna, who was their nurse. We then got to talk to her a bit about the TB program and how that works. Afterwards, she was busy so we went around and talked to some other people. My first attempt was with this new mother. I sat down beside her and I asked her what she went to the RHU for. I then asked her how old her child was, and whether she waited long. But then she saw me writing her answers on my notebook and that kind of made it very awkward so I just let her leave. My second attempt was with the DOH nurse. I asked her when she started working in the RHU and how is it so far. I then turned to the MedTech. She was packing her stuff and I offered to help but she said she was okay so I just stood there and asked a few questions. I found out that the simple lab tests like sputum tests were still sent to EVRMC because they really had no equipment there. But then she's been there since March therefore she was well, useless for 2 months already? Eventually, she too was busy so I tried looking for the others and they were in the tent where the doctor was.

It was pretty crowded so I decided to wander and I found a tent which was apparently the source of all the singing we heard in the RHU. I went in to see what was up and I saw a choir of kids having a singing lesson. I went back out to the entrance of the tent to ask what was going on and Sir Nick told me that this was in partnership with Save the Children. They had been doing these performance workshops even before Yolanda though. It was just nice that even though bad things have happened, they don't let that get in the way of their love for the arts. I guess it is a way of helping the children get through this tough time and still allow them to be children.

Because we chatted with him, we were asked to follow them to the new location of the RHU. It was two blocks away from the previous location and once we got there, it was apparently home to a lot of government offices as well. They were in the midst of brainstorming for the floor plan of the place and so we joined them. That was the first time we really felt the tension between the nurse and the doctor. The nurse didn't really give high regard for the doctor and just dismissed her needs. After that, we proposed the floor plan to her and she said it was pretty good, made some revisions, and then sent us off to lunch.

Ma'am Dudj was really good because she got to invite the MedTech, Ate Regine, to join us for lunch even though they've just met like 30 minutes beforehand. We went to this place called Acebedo and the food was pretty good. We just had a fun lunch, bonding and talking with each other. We don't normally get to do that in school because we're part of different cliques but it was nice to kind of reconcile for this immersion experience. After lunch, we reported back to Super Lorna and we helped her clear the space for her office. I mean, she let us give the doctor one corner but she got one whole section.... That was kind of mean and also disrespectful because technically the MHO is higher than the PHN. That was my first experience with a shadow leader. I always see the leader as going a little overboard, being a little too controlling, and not the other way around. This is so peculiar to me because the leader should be strong, not weak.

The day went by and we didn't really gather much information from them. We didn't really understand much about the health system. I guess, well for me, the concept of "hiya" just took over. I was always thinking of whether this was a question that I can ask and then end up not asking it instead. Everything I learned from DS went down the drain that day. So after the town meeting, we went back to one of the rooms and met as a group. We then had a refocussing and tried to think of questions that we could ask the people when we got back tomorrow. Doc Sio went in and helped us with it as well, giving us feedback and more questions we didn't really think to ask. Then we got to talking about the project as a whole and Doc advised us to sincerely listen because what we want to achieve at the end of this process is a document that is in touch with the reality of Palo but is also valid based on theory. This paper is not supposed to solve all of their problems. It merely serves as a guide for what they can do to build back better. Doc Sio then said, "It is difficult to say 'I give up' but it is tempting to say 'I can.'" I remembered what Doc and I talked about during my Sci 10 orals way back. We talked about how we, the youth, are so idealistic about the world. We feel like we can change everything. We think to orselves of how obvious the problems were and how easy the solutions are. But I told him then that it was so hard to make people understand, to make people who can do something about it see it the way we see it. I told him that I was powerless. I wanted to save the world but that was too big a bite for me. Then he said, well you don't have to do it alone. Your job is to make people want to fight for change too so that it would be easier to make the change. I think we were so tempted to say I can immediately after we found out about Super Lorna that we forgot about how some things just are. We can't really do anything about it. We have to know the limits of the change we can exact. There is a fine line between idealistic and crazy. I hope I'm still in idealistic.

Love Like Christ (05112014)

So it's Sunday and we started our day with the mass. We heard it at 8 am and it was almost time for the homily when we got there just 5 minutes after 8 am. The mass was supposed to be in English so I was expecting to hear it in full English but during the homily, the priest was switching from Waray to English and then back again. I don't really listen to the homilies in our parish primarily because the sound system is awful and secondarily because  the priests are heavily-accented and it is really hard t decipher what they want to tell us during their sermon. This time, since it is a new church, I decided to listen and the priest was talking about Jesus as a good shepherd. We are all called to be shepherds in our lives - helping people find their way. The priest talked about how the image of a good shepherd is one who loves. Normally, if we are shepherds and we lose one sheep, we would negotiate our losses in relation to the amount of effort we will exert to find that missing sheep and we tend to lean more towards leaving that one sheep behind. After all, it is just one while the shepherd still has 99. But a good shepherd will search for his lost sheep because he loves that sheep just as much as the others. Nothing else has the capacity to give life but love. I think here he means life as being more human. We can make another person more human by loving them. This entails respecting them and upholding their dignity. The priest also talked about true love and how it is a self-emptying. It makes sense because the only way we can love fully is by giving ourselves up, by recognizing that the self in not for the self. We should love the way Christ loves - fully and other-centered. Then I got to thinking about how everybody, myself included, is so afraid to love. It's like we are opening ourselves to a world of pain, and we don't want to get hurt at all. It seems as though love is an exercise of letting go and waiting for the blow to come. People don’t see love as very profound in the sense that the experience of letting go is the experience of understanding that the self is not for the self, and that the world does not revolve around the self. In fact, the self does not own the self. I guess in a way, loving is a way of letting go of the petty lives we live and giving ourselves a way to experience a life that is oriented towards Christ. 

After the mass, we headed off to DSWD to have a talk with Mr. Resty Maputo who is the assistant regional director for rehabilitations. He explained to us that the scale of the disaster determines the level of support that it receives. When there is a small disaster, the barangay usually handles it. When more than 2 barangays are affected by the disaster, the municipality takes over. When more than 2 municipalities are affected, the province does, then the region, and finally the national government has to intervene. During Yolanda, 6 regions were affected and so the national government had to intervene. The local government units were also wiped out and that means they were completely dysfunctional post-disaster. The DSWD was aware of the scale of the disaster and already prepared relief goods prior to the storm surges. The problem here though is their office is located in Tacloban and it got washed away as well.

Post disaster, the DWSD wants the people not to be dependent on the relief goods anymore. Although, there are people that they still give help to like the vulnerable sectors. They offer an alternative to people who can't find work which is called cash for work. It is helpful so that people can help clean up the environment as well as earn a little money (they get 100% minimum wage). I find it really cool that even though they are affected as well, they don't want the people to be complacent and to keep having that "victim" stigma. I like that the people in power don't really think of themselves as helpless and there is a conviction in their efforts to help others get back up. They know that they can rise from the rubble and they are convincing others that they can as well. Hopefulness is infectious, I think and when something that bad happens to people, that is really beneficial. Hope is a way we show our love and based on what I understood from the homily early, love gives life. For the people here, it is a new life, a new beginning, as they get back up. 

Tip of the Iceberg (05102014)

I never imagined I'd feel so ashamed of how I've been living my life until today. The gravity of just how petty I really am dawned on me. My problems seemed so miniscule in comparison to how awful things have been here. We went to the provincial disaster risk reduction management center where Sir Vince had been working since Yolanda hit and he told us stories about how bad it really was in the context of lives lost and how they were coping with their losses. He told us that the building adjacent to them used to be a call center and that their roof was blown off. This broke their equipment and they pulled out of Leyte and transferred back to Manila. The problem was that they were employing around 1200 people from Leyte and around 5 people depend on the salaries that each employee gets there. That's 6000 people that suddenly lost their support. In fact, Sir Midas said that out of the 1500 businesses in Tacloban city, only 150 renewed their license. It must be even more difficult for the people to recover because the economy is really down. What's sad is the people who need the jobs are those that need to cope the most. The area is poor and this makes them a bad candidate for investments. Many businesses pull out and this means that these poor people even lose their capability to work for their sustenance. Especially in the culture the Philippines has, it is really valued that you earn what you have.

Sir Vince also recounted how there was really harsh winds and that windows would burst because of so much pressure. In fact, most of the injuries incurred by the people during that time were from glass and wood. He said that the first responders to their call for help was really doctors. They saw so many bodies lying around and people were basically zombies right after. They were just walking aimlessly around the streets because of such shock. I couldn’t imagine seeing everything a mess and piles of bloated bodies on the ground. Right now, I already have a heavy heart just seeing the destruction in the area and for him to say that this was 1000 times better already? It really must have been rough. They also had to let the inmates out because the jail's roof was blown off as well. What they were expecting was that they couldn't get the people back in the jail but a few days after, they had around 80% of the people back PLUS families. That really tells you something. They prefer to be in prison now instead of in their homes. The prison was the haven already. There was no communication at all except for some old radios and the only way for people to actually know how their loved ones are is to physically be there to search for them. There was also a mass exodus here to the neighboring provinces because there was no food and water

In order to get back to their feet, they relied heavily on donations. The gave seedlings for coconut trees as well as rice plants because these are the primary livelihoods in the area. They also gave out fish pens to the fishers in order to help them. Donations such as infrastructures, temporary facilities like a maternity clinic were also given. But all this is temporary. NGOs are pulling out one by one and people are having to learn to stand on their own two feet again. Despite Leyte's efforts to recover from the disaster, the effects are still prevalent. In fact, I just saw a lady take off her shirt in the middle of the road. Actually, I saw quite a lot of people who are not mentally well while we were touring. It gets harder to feel normal when people experience a great loss. 

Even though there was an underlying gloom about the place, that did not stop them from celebrating their fiestas. We first went for lunch at the provincial engineer's house and they actually served us food in the table. They only met us that day and they still welcomed us into their home. For dinner, we met the barangay captain of another barangay in Palo and we were also invited to dine with them. It was very touching to see that people would still share what little they had to us, even though we didn't really need it. I also liked how they would still serve and welcome anybody to their homes. I haven't experienced that since I was 7. We used to prepare a lot of food during our fiesta in Bulacan and everybody was invited to come. My grandmother used to cook the food all day and we shared what we had to our neighbors (we were living beside the squatters area called "looban"). Again, I felt how generous these people truly are. It is not merely in their fiscal wealth but also in their hopeful spirits. They are veyr generous of the latter, giving people hope to continue with their lives. The message I got was that the sharing of the food with everyone is an opportunity to share the idea that they are not alone and there is reason to still feel happy and hopeful despite what has happened.