Pagtatapos (05162014)

Presentation day is today and everybody is feeling a little nervous because we don’t know how they will react to our recommendations. The presentation started a little late but it wentpretty smoothly. The representative from the Provincial Administrator’s office was there to give feedback on our presentation and she was quite defensive saying that everything was working well before Yolanda hit. I kind of got the idea that she thinks all of our observations and innovations were useless. So it made me doubt what we did, and whether it was significant at all.

We can do no great things, only small things with great love. This was the last line to the presentation we just gave. It actually is meant to target the collective but I thought of it as an individual. I do not need to change the world alone but I must do what I can with much love and dedication. If everybody thought like this, more people would lobby for changes and things will actually happen. This presentation was our part, now it is in their hands to implement the change.

After the day was done, Lib made us relive the whole journey we've had so far in Leyte and I did as he directed. I pictured everywhere we've been to and everything we've seen and as I was doing this, I wasn't feeling anything. I was just think about Tuesday particularly when I deliberately set out to be a researcher and be chummy-chummy with the people to get the information that I will need. I just thought about how I consciously used ate Lorna for her knowledge and how I was just feigning genuine interest in her life. I was appalled at how easily I could turn off my emotions. She trusted me. She told me her life story and I smiled, nodded, and prodded some more. I didn't feel a connection nor did I want to feel a connection. Then it dawned on me that throughout this experience, I haven't really allowed myself to be genuine. I haven't opened up and tried deliberately to separate myself from the experience. Then I thought about my family and how it was so hard for me to be emotionally invested in them too. I thought about how I don't really have compassion or empathy. Then lib told us to imagine just talking to Jesus. I was entering into a dark room, kind of like an audition room, and I didn't see anybody. I was asking around for Jesus because lib told me to talk to him. And then someone was behind me and he said he was Jesus. I didn't look at him, in a way, I couldn't look at him. I've just come to realize just how much of a heartless bitch I really am and I felt ashamed. The song was playing "you don't need to change yourself, I already love you" and I kept thinking and saying out loud how can you love me? I'm heartless. I was thinking about how people are supposed to feel God's love through others and I just can't imagine who could feel God's love through me. I kept thinking about the mean things I say to everybody and how could anybody feel love from that. I was already holding back tears by then because there were so many people around and I didn't want them to see. In fact, I left the table when someone sat too close to me and moved to the bathroom because I felt that I can't hold it back much longer and I was so scared to let anybody see. I was thinking about how I kept saying before that I am secure with God because he will always love me and it took a little time convincing myself just now that it was true. God loves me, he didn't ask if he could because he already does and I shouldn't either. I shouldn't question why loves me and how could he love me. And now I'm thinking, I want to experience that great love too. I want to be able to love someone so fully, in their naked truth, that that person will be able to forget all their flaws because my love envelops them and it is so much greater than any of their flaws or mistakes. I guess what I really want to try to take home from all of this is that I am loved, but I have to prove that I am worth loving by trying to be like Jesus, trying to love like Jesus. Okay so I'm done ugly crying in the bathroom now....